I woke up this morning baffled with my dream. As far as I can remember, in my dream I was in an owner-type jeep with two guys. I don’t even know who they are. We are off to some place I don’t know but I saw the ocean at some distance. I miss the ocean! So I got really excited! The more I looked at it, the more it became magnified in my sight. I can see the clear, blue waters. I imagined myself immersing in the waters and feeling its coldness on my skin. So soothing! Very therapeutic! I thought to myself, I must have it: swim and relax under the sun, surrounded with an endless blue.

So I told the guys I’ll get off the jeep and run to the beach. They told me it’s still far away, but I wouldn’t listen. For me it’s within reach. It’s within sight actually. It was as if it’s only a few stone throws away. I got off the jeep and ran towards the beach only to find out that what they said is true. The moment I got off and ran a few meters, the beach was nowhere in sight. I only saw an endless road. I looked back and saw the guys, still in the jeep and laughing at me. I went back, felt humiliated, and climbed the jeep again.

Later on in the dream, we were nearing the beach and as soon as I caught sight of the water, my heart jumped. The desire burned in my heart again. This time, no one can stop me! As the jeep went to a halt at the parking lot, I jumped and ran towards the beach. At first, I played with the sand, relishing the feel of fine, white sand under my feet. Then gradually I moved toward the seashore playing with the water. As I started to get into the water, I held back and thought how dark and gloomy it looks. Not the clear, blue water I envisioned earlier. I got scared so I retreated and settled on the sandy beach.

I battled with such fearful thoughts in my mind but I can’t seem to ignore the fear inside. I thought of drowning, of sea creatures pulling me down, of not feeling the sand under my feet while in the water, of how deep the water can be. I’m not a good swimmer, but I can swim. At that time, I doubted that skill.

But then again, I thought of swimming in the ocean. Of the warmth/coldness of the water, of the freedom it gives me, of conquering the waves or sometimes letting my body get carried by it, of snorkeling and seeing beautiful fishes and other wonderful animals God created to inhabit the ocean, of marveling at the fact that I can float, and other wonderful feelings I associate with the ocean.

In the end, the fearful thoughts seemed to consume me more than the positive ones. I felt so defeated. And I woke up.

My initial reaction was, “Lord! Beach during the rainy season?!” Though we did that one time. We went at Punta Baluarte in the middle of a typhoon. Company outing. There was no other time so we went despite typhoon Gloria or Hambalos (can’t remember). I was the only one who enjoyed swimming in the ocean. If not for my boss reprimanding me, I wouldn’t have stopped. It was drizzling and the waves are kind of crazy. She got scared. I enjoyed it!

Then I thought hard about my dream. I wanted to know what it means. I’m so into dreams. But I don’t interpret it weirdly. My inspirations are Joseph and Daniel. Besides, God first talked to me in my dream. He showed me visions of heaven and hell and what I could accomplish in and through Him back in high school. No one shared the Gospel with me yet. And when I shared those dreams with my Christian friends, they invited me to a prayer meeting and I met the Lord there. So dreams and I are inseparable. And I believe God calls my attention in my dreams.

Back to that ocean-dream. It couldn’t be just a dream about my desire to go to the beach. It must mean something more. Why would God remind me of it? Why, then, am I so haunted by it?

As I ponder upon that dream, I realized that it’s how I am when God gives me something to have or do. Even if it’s yet to come, I see it from a distance. I can see it vividly! In fact, my senses are going crazy! It seems so within my reach. But in reality, it’s still miles away. And when I come to that realization, I go back where I’ve been, wallowing. I’d fail the marshmallow test a hundred times. I couldn’t wait for that thing, whatever that is. I must have it now! Otherwise…

But God is good all the time. He gives me the grace I need to press on and keep on waiting until He gives it to me. And when he finally does, I dilly-dally. Yes, I’d be excited but that excitement dies down easily. I’d be like the Israelites who circled the Promised Land instead of conquering and claiming it at the onset. I oftentimes let my fears hold me back. I let it cripple me. I know what the promise means and looks like, yet I allow my fears to engulf me. Thus I miss it altogether.

I know deep inside that I have the power to overcome. I have the “skill,” more like the armor of God, to overcome, yet I don’t. Sigh.

I told a dear friend, I’m so excited this year. It’s as if God is giving me something (wink! wink!), as if He’s doing something in and for me. I still don’t know what that is but the thought of a gift from God excites me endlessly! However, I got this warning from God, which I can’t ignore completely.

The battle is truly in the mind. God! Be Lord in mine!

26 on the 26th

My brother, Erick, is so heaven-sent! I've been thinking of words to start this entry with and finally found them in his text message:
I cried because I had no shoes 'til I saw a man with no feet." Life is full of blessings, sometimes we're just too blind to see them.

I resolved in my heart to be thankful for whatever God has given me for the day starting July 1 and I recorded them all in my journal. I'm so amazed at the very things I'm so grateful for. Sometimes so petty, but really, is there such a thing? If I can't be grateful for the littlest things that come my way, how can I appreciate the big ones?

So what are the things I'm most thankful for? Here are the highlights:
1. God gave me the phone I’ve been praying for at an amount lower than my budget. This phone is truly an answered prayer! He gave me the money for it and he directed me to the right seller. I love this phone!

2. My sister, Weng, is already enrolled. And God also answered my prayer and provided for her tuition fee. I have, oftentimes, cried to God, with regard to my siblings’ schooling and other stuff. But I know my God provides, and He does so right on time. Never too early, never too late. And I’ve learned to trust His providence in everything, since college! Grabe! Looking back to my college and even high school days, I’m amazed at how God provided for my every need, RIGHT ON TIME! I learned, early on, how to trust my God for my “daily bread.” I love this verse from the Bible for it lifts me up when I start to worry: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Mt 6:33-34)

3. I was able to control my temper in the workplace. Confession: when I’m super stressed at work, you’ll hear it. As in I’ll slam my desk or the doors of my cabinet or hit the keyboard with a vengeance, as if doing so will relieve the stress. But when I’m truly angry, you won’t hear a word from me, not one sound. I’ll completely ignore you. I don’t have the strength to speak to anybody. It’s either I’ll cry or I’ll scream. So I prefer low-key. “In your anger, do not sin” (Psalm 4:4), I believe in that. So better be silent than sin.

If you’re in the travel industry, you’ll understand how stressful my job can be. I handle sales and marketing, and at times, reservations. I can’t really put a label to my kind of work because my boss believes in multi-tasking. And I’m thankful for that because I’m able to stretch my skills and work on my weaknesses. For those who know me real well, you’ll be amazed at how creative I can be now, hehe! I know God has called me in the travel industry, and he has equipped me with the skills I need to survive and make an impact in this industry.

And I’ve been trying to work on that weakness: my temper. Now I’m able to control it (sometimes!). I don’t slam things down anymore, unless I forgot that I’m supposed to be Christ like in every way. But I know God’s grace is abundant.

4. My cousins, Bebs and Mayak (14 and 12 yrs old). I thank God for them because they now make my life easier, hehe! Really! They can cook, clean the house, throw the trash, wash the dishes, iron clothes, you name it, they can do it (except, of course, things too hard for their still frail hands). I’m sort of part of their training because I live with them since 1996, and I can be so OC at times..okay, all the time! I remember one time I was teaching them how to fold their clothes, and I won’t get contented with “pwede na” kind of fold, so I made them do it again. They got so frustrated because children only want to play and they can’t play unless they are finished with their chore. So Bebs devised a way to make it perfect the first time and when I arrived home, she showed it to me. She took one cardboard, took one shirt and folded it using the board as guideline. Then she pulled the cardboard, and true enough it was perfect! She was so proud and I, humbled. Grabe! I repented that night. The next morning, I told them it’s okay even if their fold is not perfect. Whatever they can do, I accept it.

Mayak, on the other hand, is a very observant girl. She looks at me when I do things. And maybe she took after me as an OC. This terrifies me at times. It’s so scary when you see yourself in a child. Okay lang if it’s good, but what if she emulates the bad? Yikes! Anyway, I notice that when she cleans the house, she follows my pattern. Wipe, sweep, mop the floor with soap, bleach and water, and sweep again. Top to bottom, inside to outside. And she loves decorating the house. Very orderly. And when you mess it up, she gets mad (so very me!!!). She also follows after me who collects boxes, paper bags, and other “pretty stuff” as she calls it. She adores my stuff and can’t wait to inherit them! Imagine talking me into marriage and God forbid, dying (later, oo naman, pero ngayon?!), so she can have my stuff!!! I sometimes catch her opening my cabinet and admiring my stuff (but really, these are only boxes, paper bags, baskets, etc). I imagine her thinking: “when I grow up, I’ll have all these and more!” When I give her a box as a gift, her eyes light up, as if I’ve given her something much more valuable. But then again, that, to her, is valuable.

5. Talking with my cousin Maymay. I miss her so much and I miss our times together. That’s why I’ve spent almost every night talking to her about anything I can think of. What I feel about my friends, family, work, future, love, etc. Even if we sleep at 2am, it’s worth it!

6. The power of choice. I watched two movies about it: Butterfly Effect and If Only and I wrote these on my journal:

Your choices can have a positive or negative effect on others. Your fate and those of the people around you is affected by what you CHOOSE to do now! Choose to be real, be vulnerable, be known, be seen as who you are by others. Let go and LOVE freely! Open up! Trust others with your emotions. Show them how much you love them! Why do you love them? What would you do if you only have one day to live?…LOVE!

This is the freedom God has given us: CHOICE, FREEWILL. What will you do with it? How differently you’d live your life, right?

Well, I’m talking to myself really. But, think about it…

7. Worrying…Okay, I worry about anything, but mostly about family. But I thank God I worry, though it’s not a healthy thing to do, because I am reminded of how powerless I am to change my and my family’s situation. Because of worry I am always on my knees before God. Maybe, if I don’t worry, I’d be proud. Proud in a bad way. I don’t know. But I believe, each one of us is given something, a weakness, that God’s strength may be manifested in our life. My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness (2Cor 12:9).

8. Friends…need I say more? The people who hold the other end of the rope for me. Thank you so much! Friends are a precious gift from God. Friends who listen to me, understand me, won’t be afraid to correct, rebuke or simply be honest with me, do anything for me, trust me completely, love me wholeheartedly, support me, protect me, lift me up and encourage me, share my joys and heartaches, know me and accept me as I am, go places with me, be willing to risk anything to help me, won’t break a vow or promise made to me, be in every important day or event in my life (past, present, future), be a significant part of me and my family, etc. So many “me”, but hey! this is about me! But I pray that I’ll also be this kind of friend to somebody.

9. Family. Papi, Mami, Kuya Raycel, Joy, Em-em, Erick, Abet, Tintin, Biboy, Weng. I miss them all! Just thinking about them brings tears to my eyes. I want to do things for them, give them all that they need, as long as I have it. If only I could, I’d spare them from so much hurt and suffering. But if that is God’s way, who am I to interfere? I can only intercede but not be god in their life.

I’ve written in my journal that it is my dilemma. The slightest hint of discomfort my family feels, I run, complain even, and appeal their case before God. But my prayer has always been: “Lord, shake them that your glory may be made known in their life.” Tsk.tsk.tsk. Dangerous prayer. Still I believe, they are my greatest blessing from God. Though not perfect, they are just the right family for me. I am who I am now because of them.

I wanted to write so much more. But time and space won’t be enough. It will take me an eternity to enumerate all the things I’m grateful for. But most of all, (10) I’m thankful for the love of God. For Jesus, who died on the cross that I might know salvation, be restored to God and have this most amazing relationship with Him! For dealing with my sinfulness every day of my life. For changing me and making me Christ like in every way, even if I sometimes reject Him and His commands. For not giving up on me, when I felt like giving up on Him. For restoring me when I felt so lost. For always lifting me up, encouraging me, and simply loving me. For being my comfort at times when I felt so alone, depressed and hopeless. For being my Lord, Savior, Lover, Friend, Provider, Protector, etc.

Lord, what would I be without you? At 26, I’ve only learned and grasped a pinch of you. I long for more and I know you’ll bring me to greater heights with a deeper understanding of who you are and can be in my life. Thank you!

Boys 2 Men

Let me introduce you to two of my joys in life. Emari, 1year and 5months, and Sean, almost 6 months.

I marvel at how much these babies changed my brothers from boys to men. It's true that once you're a father, everything changes in and around you. Your priorities in life are now directed to what your little bundle of joy needs and wants and not your own. You'll learn the word 'sacrifice' and its application at greater depths. You begin to dream, not only of your future, but of your child's as well. For the first time, it's about another person and not about you.

I never really figured that children will make a man out of my brothers. They seemed to be happy-go-lucky kind of guys with no care about the future. They lived for the day and what momentary pleasure it brings them. They lived only for themselves. But I saw these angels change that.

Kuya Raycel, for example, is a very hands-on dad. He takes care of Em-em really well. He's a very patient guy but it was stretched even further with the birth of his baby. I don't know how much he went through taking care of Em-em but I know for a fact that Em-em loves him very much. She wails when he leaves her, looks for him constantly and only sleeps when her dad is beside her.

What amuses me most is how my Kuya calls her: Bebeco (baby ko). And if Em-em is playing outside, her dad will just imitate how Daffy Duck talks and she knows she needs to go home already: her dad is calling her.

Albert, on the other hand, is a typical dad. Very sweet and loving but not very hands on like Kuya. He leaves the dirty stuff to the women. But Kuya would gladly change diapers if need be. But I know and see that Abet's a changed man himself because of Biboy (Sean).

This got me to thinking about my father. Papa is not very showy of his emotions. Mama told me once that he told her that even if he doesn't show it, he loves us very much. I know that even if he doesn't say it often.

Papa shows his affection by providing for our needs. That for him, is how to show love. He's not into hugging and kissing, though he sometimes does that. Sometimes, he's a bit aloof, lost in his thoughts.

But he is a brilliant man who values education so much. I remember that as a child, we used to have this game. We’d stand at the end of the room and papa would ask us questions and if the answer is right, then me move one step forward until we reach him. The reward was usually ice cream or a weekend spent at Luneta. And another game in which we used to recite the multiplication table in front of him. He gets irritated when we don’t know it. For him it’s important. But I cheated those times I stood in front of him reciting and until now, I can’t recite it without using the aid of my fingers.

He doesn’t believe in punishment not unless you really deserve it. My one memory of my father punishing any of us really hard was that one instant when Kuya went home late and didn’t ask permission. It worried everyone at home so we all went out to look for him. When he was found, dos-por-dos ang katapat. And I know he did it half-heartedly.

I could go on and on about him but time and space won’t be enough to express my gratitude to this man. The hard times changed him a bit. He’s older, a bit wiser, worry too much, but he’s still the same father, who cares and loves us deeply.

Papi! I know I don’t tell you this often, but I want you to know I love you very much! Thank you for everything! You are such a blessing from God. Happy Father's Day!

And to all fathers out there, HAPPY FATHER's DAY!

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

I’ve adored Brad Pitt since..I don’t actually remember. But I’m a fan. Other than Meet Joe Black (I slept in the middle of the movie. I can’t believe it myself! But they say it’s a great movie, I just can’t figure out why), I enjoy watching him on the big screen.

But this recent movie is a bit disappointing. Don’t get me wrong. I mean, the couple is a good-looking one. They both play their part excellently. I think they are really the best choice for the movie and no one could have played the part plausibly as they did. Nice effects, nice dialogues, nice everything. But when I sat back and looked at the bigger picture, it wasn’t nice at all.

Ang labo ko ‘no? But I sure felt that way. The characters were given little time to develop and grow. I think more time was spent on their ‘fighting’ rather than on character development. This is after all an action film. I couldn’t even comprehend how they finally got to a truce. One instant they were trying to kill each other, destroying their house, and the next they’re in each other’s arms.

Maybe it’s love. But even that is questionable. I mean, how can a confessed cold-blooded assassin profess to love someone that deeply yet have the desire to kill because of money? Mr. Smith even asked Mrs. if she can sleep after killing and without batting an eyelash, Mrs. answered yes. Wow! Quite confusing really. How can you sleep peacefully knowing that’s how cold-blooded your spouse is?

If the thrust of the movie is how one couple saved their marriage despite the reality that they almost killed each other, I don’t buy that. How can you trust the other person after that? And I believe trust and honesty are foundations of a strong marriage.

Maybe, they did realize some things. And those things are left to the imagination of the viewers. You can interpret it however you want. Resolving an argument by taking out a pistol and aiming at your spouse? Who will surrender first? Sex? Same passion (killing another person!)? Money?

This has all the trappings of a ‘good movie,’ great actors, effects, etc. But in the end, it was one bad movie after all.

Smile!

1 Thessalonians 5:16 - Be joyful always.

This verse gripped my heart as Ate Sandra shared this at our leadership meeting. She's a missionary to one of God's Creative Access Nations (I love that term!), with her husband and kids, and has been serving that nation for...10 years? Hehe! Not really, but sometimes it feels that long especially when you’re far away from home.

Anyway, we talked about how we can be a blessing to others. And this was one of the three keys she shared with us - Be joyful always.

'Joy is the secret to real evangelism, for joyful Christians are compelling advertisement for the gospel.'

This is not only joy on the inside but on the outside as well. Something that can be seen and not only felt. The best expression is smiling. And Ate Sandra went at great lengths explaining its importance.

People are naturally drawn to happy individuals. Of course! Why would you want to be with unhappy ones? Unless you are that miserable! And even so, you would still want to be with the cheerful ones to brighten your mood. There’s something about a happy face you can’t quite dispel.

Part of the appeal of the gospel is our attitude towards it. We have the truth, the good news, and we ought to communicate it that way – GOOD NEWS. More than the words we speak, the way we live our life is our best strategy to share what God has done in and through our life and what God can possibly do in and through the life of another. The people we reach out to must know, see and feel that change. Otherwise, they will think twice about putting their faith in God. They must be fully convinced before they take that leap of faith. And what would convince them is the evidence of a changed life.

According to Ate Sandra, the missionaries who come to their nation are required to SMILE. The locals are beset with so much misery they don’t need foreigners adding up to it, missionaries at that. The people who are supposed to give them hope, etc. You’ll never know what that simple gesture might accomplish in another person’s life. You just have to step out in faith, let God do the work, and SMILE!

I’ve known this truth for a long time but something in the way she said these caught my attention and made me evaluate my life that very instant. And one thought entered my mind: MATARAY!

I’ve confessed that of myself many times. I even wrote it at my friendster profile. I don’t deny it and sometimes I really am. But most of the time, hindi naman. I asked one friend why he thought I’m mataray and he told me it’s because of the way I stare. Nakakatakot daw. I don’t know. I’m just like that. I know I’m observant and I do study details and not just look. So maybe, when I stare, people get uncomfortable because I probe deeper than what the eye sees.

I’ve known people who tell me they’d think twice about approaching me. Why?! Nakakatakot nga daw ako. Sigh. But when they get to know me, that first impression doesn’t last very long.

But I don’t want it to be like that. I want that when people look at me the very first time, they’d feel comfortable approaching me, they will be attracted to Jesus because of what they see in me and they’d say “I want to be like her and be used for the glory of God too!” I’m sure glad people’s perception of me changes when they get to know me but oftentimes I am not given that opportunity – to get to know another person deeply. And so I’m left to wonder what kind of impression I made without the comfort of having to turn that impression the other way around. Sigh.

The other part of what Ate Sandra shared dealt with passion. She shared that what the world needs are people who come alive. Have you asked yourself what is that one thing that makes you come alive? What are you passionate about?

Answers to these questions vary. But it’s comforting to know that God created variety. It makes the world more colorful and interesting though it’s always a delight to find people who share your passion.

If you’ve found that very thing that makes you come alive, whatever that is, pursue it with all your might. That is what God has called you to do, what He has destined for you. Whatever that is and wherever you may be, pursuing it will definitely fill you with joy and make you come alive!

Some people I’m privileged to know certainly burst with life. Not only because they are extroverts, but because there really is LIFE in them. A life given by and lived for God. They are always cheerful, joyful, happy – however you may want to describe a positive mood, because they have every reason to be. Whatever their circumstance may be, that smile is forever painted on their lips. When I think about this kind of people, I can think of one man, the ultimate smiler-man:

And those of you who know him need not ask why. It’s the face that can launch a thousand laughs. Hehe!

Finally, let’s not use our personality (intro- or extrovert) to not be a blessing to others. What does a smile cost you? Nothing. But it could give you more than you can ever imagine.

Palakasan lang ng loob yan.

That's what I realized today. Talaga naman! Kapag nagigipit ang tao, 'di mo talaga alam kung ano ang makakaya niyang gawin.

Lunchbreak. Nasa pantry ako. Kumakain. Bukas ang door ng office, siyempre kasi baka me pasaherong dumating. Meron namang isang taong nasa workstation so kampante akong kumain. Pagbalik ko sa table ko, nag-check pa muna ako ng email. Samantalahin ang break, di ba? Paglingon ko sa gilid ng table ko, voila! Wala na ang aking bag!

Akala ko nuong una, joke lang ng mga officemates ko. So hanap ako. Pero wala talaga. So sinabi ko na sa kanila na nawawala ang bag ko. Sabi naman ng isa kong kasama e me nakita siyang mamang lumabas ng office ng dahan-dahan (nasa may corridor kasi siya). Malay ba naman niyang magnanakaw na nga yun! Kasi nga ang alam niya me tao sa office. At ganun talaga sa office, in/out mga tao kasi kuha ng brochures, may delivery, etc.

So ganun lang. Nasalisihan. Tangay ang aking bag. Buong bag (Alangan namang pieces lang! Ang weird nun!). Nuong una, wala lang sa akin. Okay, sige, nanakaw ang bag ko. Wala lang. Andun yung cellphone ko, wallet, kikay kit, etc. Kaya lang naalala ko 'andun din yung office keys ko. Baka bumalik sa gabi tapos buksan ang office at...Paranoid na ako!

So baba ako ng building. Lakad papuntang Petron. Tinatawagan ang cell ko gamit 'yung company phone. Baka naman me natira pang kahit konting kabaitan sa mama, at ibalik yung bag ko (wish ko lang!). Nakontak ko nga pero nabenta na daw sa kanya 'yung sim ko sa may Virramall parking lot (ows! talaga?!). Sabi ko bibilhin ko kahit magkano, ibalik niya lang ang sim ko. Importante sa akin yun. Di na daw niya ako marinig, tawag na lang uli. Takbo ako sa may sakayan ng Greenhills, andun yung isa kong officemate. Sabi ko punta siya ng Greenhills, hanapin yung mama. Hay! Katangahan! As if naman, makikita 'yung ayaw magpakita.

Parang gusto kong magalit. Kasi naman di ba, pinaghirapan ko 'yun (money and phone) tapos mananakaw lang! Tapos sa loob pa ng office! Na may tao sa office! Talaga naman! Pero buti na lang Kristiyano na ako...

God bless you manong, saan ka man naruon. Sana nakatulong sa'yo ang pera at cellphone ko. Huwag ka lang bumalik sa office ha!

Bakit ko nga ba sinulat ito? Wala lang, nagpapaawa. Sa mga maaawa, bilhan niyo ako ng Color Trend na Baby Lips (lipstick). Kabibili ko lang kasi. At naiiyak ako kapag naaalala ko yung lipstick ko. Pati Burt's Bees na lip balm. Kainis! Ang mahal pa naman nun! (Manong, 'wag mong sabihing nagli-lipstick ka rin!) Masyado naman kung hihingi ako ng cell di ba? Ke God ko na lang hihingin 'yun. Advanced birthday gift, Christmas gift? Bahala na kayo. Basta isa na yun sa wishlist ko.

Ngayon, maaga kaming uuwi. Sa office, 4 lang kaming merong susi. Yung 2 naka-leave. Yung 1 naman hanggang 5 lang siya, kasi 8 pasok niya. Tapos ako, nandun natangay ni Manong. Kaya maaga kaming uuwi. Isa pa, I need time to nurse my broken pocket. Buti na lang pumayag si Loida! Thank you talaga!

In conclusion: mag-ingat kayong lahat! Sa tindi ng pangangailangan ng mga tao ngayon, magugulat talaga kayo sa kayang gawin ng tao, maibsan lang ang hirap. O siya, drama special na ito!

What now, Lord?

Let your guard down for but a moment and your world will fall apart right before your very eyes. This I learned from a friend very recently. Despite the precautions undertaken, she let it slip this one time. One time! And forever will she regret it.

I almost banged her head on the wall, screamed at her and gave her a piece of my mind. But there's no use rubbing salt in her wound. Instead, I listened. Besides, I just preached 'listen before you speak.' That was a very timely application.

As she poured her heart, mine grieved. What now, Lord? I looked at the shattered, pain-stricken girl before me and I cried. I know there is still hope but she can't see it. Not this time. Her situation seems to have consumed the hope that is in her.

If only there is such a thing as "ERASE" or "DELETE" option in our life, then we would be spared from so much pain. If only we have some fairy dust, all we need is one happy thought, and off we'll go to Neverland, away from all the pain. If only we can escape reality. If only...

'Anong gagawin ko?!' Hers was a desperate cry. Honestly, I didn't know what to do either. So I told her to ask one person I know can help her. JESUS.

She told me she didn't want to. Shame, guilt? It's but natural for man to flee God because of these. God's reaction? Look for us even more and call us out from our hiding. We expect spanking, even beating, yet He offers the opposite. When we so deserve these, a gentle hand reaches out and extends His love to us all. Moreso, Jesus took our place and our punishment so we can be forgiven.

I haven't fully grasped the depth of God's love for me. But that much I know: God loves me! And that is what I hope she will realize. God's love for us all is unconditional. Though we sin and choose to go away, His love remains. 'But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.'

Until that time comes when she accepts what God is offering her, I leave her into the hands of God, where she will be most safe and secure, and let God do the work in her. And for the rest who have not fallen...FLEE SIN!

A story to tell

I cleaned my room last Saturday. It was long overdue that's why it took me the whole afternoon and early evening to finish it. Though the room wasn't that dirty, going through my stuff took a lot of my time. I went through old photos, letters, books, notebooks, etc. It was fun!

Then I chanced upon my old notebook. A precious one, as I wrote my short stories there. I read them one by one, kaya lalo akong ginabi, hehe!

I used to write short stories back in high school. One story I wrote got published in the school paper. It took one long page - that long, yet it was published! It was about rape, injustice, etc., very hot issue back then. And all my teachers praised my work. So it got me to write more often. Not in so much as to get published but to pen all the stories stored in my mind.

I used to think my life was boring. I was a good girl, not into drugs or alcohol, had the perfect bunch of friends, did well in school, etc. No excitement at all. So I would escape into my finely woven fantasy land.

I've created a lot of characters in my mind, each playing different roles, each has a story to tell. I've thought of them all. Good, bad, protagonist, antagonist, young, old, rich, poor, etc. I've seen the world through their eyes, felt what they feel, saw what they see, heard what they hear, etc. They became real to me. I figured I might forget them one day so I painstakingly wrote their stories in that notebook.

In college I stopped writing, primarily because I was swamped with school work. I didn't want to lose my scholarship so I focused on my studies. Yet in my quiet moments, they keep me company. Sometimes, I would allow myself to be drifted back into that fantasy land I've created so long ago to escape my reality. But I know it won't last forever.

Gradually, that fantasy land vanished. Maybe because I've outgrown such childish dreams/thoughts. Or perhaps, I became more interested in real people and their stories. Or, I've finally learned to deal with reality. Whatever the reason was, that land was just a distant memory. Until last Saturday.

The resurrection of the notebook inspired me to write again. This time around, I know it isn't about escaping to another person's life anymore but a yearning to tell a story. Perhaps my story.