I woke up this morning baffled with my dream. As far as I can remember, in my dream I was in an owner-type jeep with two guys. I don’t even know who they are. We are off to some place I don’t know but I saw the ocean at some distance. I miss the ocean! So I got really excited! The more I looked at it, the more it became magnified in my sight. I can see the clear, blue waters. I imagined myself immersing in the waters and feeling its coldness on my skin. So soothing! Very therapeutic! I thought to myself, I must have it: swim and relax under the sun, surrounded with an endless blue.

So I told the guys I’ll get off the jeep and run to the beach. They told me it’s still far away, but I wouldn’t listen. For me it’s within reach. It’s within sight actually. It was as if it’s only a few stone throws away. I got off the jeep and ran towards the beach only to find out that what they said is true. The moment I got off and ran a few meters, the beach was nowhere in sight. I only saw an endless road. I looked back and saw the guys, still in the jeep and laughing at me. I went back, felt humiliated, and climbed the jeep again.

Later on in the dream, we were nearing the beach and as soon as I caught sight of the water, my heart jumped. The desire burned in my heart again. This time, no one can stop me! As the jeep went to a halt at the parking lot, I jumped and ran towards the beach. At first, I played with the sand, relishing the feel of fine, white sand under my feet. Then gradually I moved toward the seashore playing with the water. As I started to get into the water, I held back and thought how dark and gloomy it looks. Not the clear, blue water I envisioned earlier. I got scared so I retreated and settled on the sandy beach.

I battled with such fearful thoughts in my mind but I can’t seem to ignore the fear inside. I thought of drowning, of sea creatures pulling me down, of not feeling the sand under my feet while in the water, of how deep the water can be. I’m not a good swimmer, but I can swim. At that time, I doubted that skill.

But then again, I thought of swimming in the ocean. Of the warmth/coldness of the water, of the freedom it gives me, of conquering the waves or sometimes letting my body get carried by it, of snorkeling and seeing beautiful fishes and other wonderful animals God created to inhabit the ocean, of marveling at the fact that I can float, and other wonderful feelings I associate with the ocean.

In the end, the fearful thoughts seemed to consume me more than the positive ones. I felt so defeated. And I woke up.

My initial reaction was, “Lord! Beach during the rainy season?!” Though we did that one time. We went at Punta Baluarte in the middle of a typhoon. Company outing. There was no other time so we went despite typhoon Gloria or Hambalos (can’t remember). I was the only one who enjoyed swimming in the ocean. If not for my boss reprimanding me, I wouldn’t have stopped. It was drizzling and the waves are kind of crazy. She got scared. I enjoyed it!

Then I thought hard about my dream. I wanted to know what it means. I’m so into dreams. But I don’t interpret it weirdly. My inspirations are Joseph and Daniel. Besides, God first talked to me in my dream. He showed me visions of heaven and hell and what I could accomplish in and through Him back in high school. No one shared the Gospel with me yet. And when I shared those dreams with my Christian friends, they invited me to a prayer meeting and I met the Lord there. So dreams and I are inseparable. And I believe God calls my attention in my dreams.

Back to that ocean-dream. It couldn’t be just a dream about my desire to go to the beach. It must mean something more. Why would God remind me of it? Why, then, am I so haunted by it?

As I ponder upon that dream, I realized that it’s how I am when God gives me something to have or do. Even if it’s yet to come, I see it from a distance. I can see it vividly! In fact, my senses are going crazy! It seems so within my reach. But in reality, it’s still miles away. And when I come to that realization, I go back where I’ve been, wallowing. I’d fail the marshmallow test a hundred times. I couldn’t wait for that thing, whatever that is. I must have it now! Otherwise…

But God is good all the time. He gives me the grace I need to press on and keep on waiting until He gives it to me. And when he finally does, I dilly-dally. Yes, I’d be excited but that excitement dies down easily. I’d be like the Israelites who circled the Promised Land instead of conquering and claiming it at the onset. I oftentimes let my fears hold me back. I let it cripple me. I know what the promise means and looks like, yet I allow my fears to engulf me. Thus I miss it altogether.

I know deep inside that I have the power to overcome. I have the “skill,” more like the armor of God, to overcome, yet I don’t. Sigh.

I told a dear friend, I’m so excited this year. It’s as if God is giving me something (wink! wink!), as if He’s doing something in and for me. I still don’t know what that is but the thought of a gift from God excites me endlessly! However, I got this warning from God, which I can’t ignore completely.

The battle is truly in the mind. God! Be Lord in mine!

26 on the 26th

My brother, Erick, is so heaven-sent! I've been thinking of words to start this entry with and finally found them in his text message:
I cried because I had no shoes 'til I saw a man with no feet." Life is full of blessings, sometimes we're just too blind to see them.

I resolved in my heart to be thankful for whatever God has given me for the day starting July 1 and I recorded them all in my journal. I'm so amazed at the very things I'm so grateful for. Sometimes so petty, but really, is there such a thing? If I can't be grateful for the littlest things that come my way, how can I appreciate the big ones?

So what are the things I'm most thankful for? Here are the highlights:
1. God gave me the phone I’ve been praying for at an amount lower than my budget. This phone is truly an answered prayer! He gave me the money for it and he directed me to the right seller. I love this phone!

2. My sister, Weng, is already enrolled. And God also answered my prayer and provided for her tuition fee. I have, oftentimes, cried to God, with regard to my siblings’ schooling and other stuff. But I know my God provides, and He does so right on time. Never too early, never too late. And I’ve learned to trust His providence in everything, since college! Grabe! Looking back to my college and even high school days, I’m amazed at how God provided for my every need, RIGHT ON TIME! I learned, early on, how to trust my God for my “daily bread.” I love this verse from the Bible for it lifts me up when I start to worry: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Mt 6:33-34)

3. I was able to control my temper in the workplace. Confession: when I’m super stressed at work, you’ll hear it. As in I’ll slam my desk or the doors of my cabinet or hit the keyboard with a vengeance, as if doing so will relieve the stress. But when I’m truly angry, you won’t hear a word from me, not one sound. I’ll completely ignore you. I don’t have the strength to speak to anybody. It’s either I’ll cry or I’ll scream. So I prefer low-key. “In your anger, do not sin” (Psalm 4:4), I believe in that. So better be silent than sin.

If you’re in the travel industry, you’ll understand how stressful my job can be. I handle sales and marketing, and at times, reservations. I can’t really put a label to my kind of work because my boss believes in multi-tasking. And I’m thankful for that because I’m able to stretch my skills and work on my weaknesses. For those who know me real well, you’ll be amazed at how creative I can be now, hehe! I know God has called me in the travel industry, and he has equipped me with the skills I need to survive and make an impact in this industry.

And I’ve been trying to work on that weakness: my temper. Now I’m able to control it (sometimes!). I don’t slam things down anymore, unless I forgot that I’m supposed to be Christ like in every way. But I know God’s grace is abundant.

4. My cousins, Bebs and Mayak (14 and 12 yrs old). I thank God for them because they now make my life easier, hehe! Really! They can cook, clean the house, throw the trash, wash the dishes, iron clothes, you name it, they can do it (except, of course, things too hard for their still frail hands). I’m sort of part of their training because I live with them since 1996, and I can be so OC at times..okay, all the time! I remember one time I was teaching them how to fold their clothes, and I won’t get contented with “pwede na” kind of fold, so I made them do it again. They got so frustrated because children only want to play and they can’t play unless they are finished with their chore. So Bebs devised a way to make it perfect the first time and when I arrived home, she showed it to me. She took one cardboard, took one shirt and folded it using the board as guideline. Then she pulled the cardboard, and true enough it was perfect! She was so proud and I, humbled. Grabe! I repented that night. The next morning, I told them it’s okay even if their fold is not perfect. Whatever they can do, I accept it.

Mayak, on the other hand, is a very observant girl. She looks at me when I do things. And maybe she took after me as an OC. This terrifies me at times. It’s so scary when you see yourself in a child. Okay lang if it’s good, but what if she emulates the bad? Yikes! Anyway, I notice that when she cleans the house, she follows my pattern. Wipe, sweep, mop the floor with soap, bleach and water, and sweep again. Top to bottom, inside to outside. And she loves decorating the house. Very orderly. And when you mess it up, she gets mad (so very me!!!). She also follows after me who collects boxes, paper bags, and other “pretty stuff” as she calls it. She adores my stuff and can’t wait to inherit them! Imagine talking me into marriage and God forbid, dying (later, oo naman, pero ngayon?!), so she can have my stuff!!! I sometimes catch her opening my cabinet and admiring my stuff (but really, these are only boxes, paper bags, baskets, etc). I imagine her thinking: “when I grow up, I’ll have all these and more!” When I give her a box as a gift, her eyes light up, as if I’ve given her something much more valuable. But then again, that, to her, is valuable.

5. Talking with my cousin Maymay. I miss her so much and I miss our times together. That’s why I’ve spent almost every night talking to her about anything I can think of. What I feel about my friends, family, work, future, love, etc. Even if we sleep at 2am, it’s worth it!

6. The power of choice. I watched two movies about it: Butterfly Effect and If Only and I wrote these on my journal:

Your choices can have a positive or negative effect on others. Your fate and those of the people around you is affected by what you CHOOSE to do now! Choose to be real, be vulnerable, be known, be seen as who you are by others. Let go and LOVE freely! Open up! Trust others with your emotions. Show them how much you love them! Why do you love them? What would you do if you only have one day to live?…LOVE!

This is the freedom God has given us: CHOICE, FREEWILL. What will you do with it? How differently you’d live your life, right?

Well, I’m talking to myself really. But, think about it…

7. Worrying…Okay, I worry about anything, but mostly about family. But I thank God I worry, though it’s not a healthy thing to do, because I am reminded of how powerless I am to change my and my family’s situation. Because of worry I am always on my knees before God. Maybe, if I don’t worry, I’d be proud. Proud in a bad way. I don’t know. But I believe, each one of us is given something, a weakness, that God’s strength may be manifested in our life. My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness (2Cor 12:9).

8. Friends…need I say more? The people who hold the other end of the rope for me. Thank you so much! Friends are a precious gift from God. Friends who listen to me, understand me, won’t be afraid to correct, rebuke or simply be honest with me, do anything for me, trust me completely, love me wholeheartedly, support me, protect me, lift me up and encourage me, share my joys and heartaches, know me and accept me as I am, go places with me, be willing to risk anything to help me, won’t break a vow or promise made to me, be in every important day or event in my life (past, present, future), be a significant part of me and my family, etc. So many “me”, but hey! this is about me! But I pray that I’ll also be this kind of friend to somebody.

9. Family. Papi, Mami, Kuya Raycel, Joy, Em-em, Erick, Abet, Tintin, Biboy, Weng. I miss them all! Just thinking about them brings tears to my eyes. I want to do things for them, give them all that they need, as long as I have it. If only I could, I’d spare them from so much hurt and suffering. But if that is God’s way, who am I to interfere? I can only intercede but not be god in their life.

I’ve written in my journal that it is my dilemma. The slightest hint of discomfort my family feels, I run, complain even, and appeal their case before God. But my prayer has always been: “Lord, shake them that your glory may be made known in their life.” Tsk.tsk.tsk. Dangerous prayer. Still I believe, they are my greatest blessing from God. Though not perfect, they are just the right family for me. I am who I am now because of them.

I wanted to write so much more. But time and space won’t be enough. It will take me an eternity to enumerate all the things I’m grateful for. But most of all, (10) I’m thankful for the love of God. For Jesus, who died on the cross that I might know salvation, be restored to God and have this most amazing relationship with Him! For dealing with my sinfulness every day of my life. For changing me and making me Christ like in every way, even if I sometimes reject Him and His commands. For not giving up on me, when I felt like giving up on Him. For restoring me when I felt so lost. For always lifting me up, encouraging me, and simply loving me. For being my comfort at times when I felt so alone, depressed and hopeless. For being my Lord, Savior, Lover, Friend, Provider, Protector, etc.

Lord, what would I be without you? At 26, I’ve only learned and grasped a pinch of you. I long for more and I know you’ll bring me to greater heights with a deeper understanding of who you are and can be in my life. Thank you!