Palakasan lang ng loob yan.

That's what I realized today. Talaga naman! Kapag nagigipit ang tao, 'di mo talaga alam kung ano ang makakaya niyang gawin.

Lunchbreak. Nasa pantry ako. Kumakain. Bukas ang door ng office, siyempre kasi baka me pasaherong dumating. Meron namang isang taong nasa workstation so kampante akong kumain. Pagbalik ko sa table ko, nag-check pa muna ako ng email. Samantalahin ang break, di ba? Paglingon ko sa gilid ng table ko, voila! Wala na ang aking bag!

Akala ko nuong una, joke lang ng mga officemates ko. So hanap ako. Pero wala talaga. So sinabi ko na sa kanila na nawawala ang bag ko. Sabi naman ng isa kong kasama e me nakita siyang mamang lumabas ng office ng dahan-dahan (nasa may corridor kasi siya). Malay ba naman niyang magnanakaw na nga yun! Kasi nga ang alam niya me tao sa office. At ganun talaga sa office, in/out mga tao kasi kuha ng brochures, may delivery, etc.

So ganun lang. Nasalisihan. Tangay ang aking bag. Buong bag (Alangan namang pieces lang! Ang weird nun!). Nuong una, wala lang sa akin. Okay, sige, nanakaw ang bag ko. Wala lang. Andun yung cellphone ko, wallet, kikay kit, etc. Kaya lang naalala ko 'andun din yung office keys ko. Baka bumalik sa gabi tapos buksan ang office at...Paranoid na ako!

So baba ako ng building. Lakad papuntang Petron. Tinatawagan ang cell ko gamit 'yung company phone. Baka naman me natira pang kahit konting kabaitan sa mama, at ibalik yung bag ko (wish ko lang!). Nakontak ko nga pero nabenta na daw sa kanya 'yung sim ko sa may Virramall parking lot (ows! talaga?!). Sabi ko bibilhin ko kahit magkano, ibalik niya lang ang sim ko. Importante sa akin yun. Di na daw niya ako marinig, tawag na lang uli. Takbo ako sa may sakayan ng Greenhills, andun yung isa kong officemate. Sabi ko punta siya ng Greenhills, hanapin yung mama. Hay! Katangahan! As if naman, makikita 'yung ayaw magpakita.

Parang gusto kong magalit. Kasi naman di ba, pinaghirapan ko 'yun (money and phone) tapos mananakaw lang! Tapos sa loob pa ng office! Na may tao sa office! Talaga naman! Pero buti na lang Kristiyano na ako...

God bless you manong, saan ka man naruon. Sana nakatulong sa'yo ang pera at cellphone ko. Huwag ka lang bumalik sa office ha!

Bakit ko nga ba sinulat ito? Wala lang, nagpapaawa. Sa mga maaawa, bilhan niyo ako ng Color Trend na Baby Lips (lipstick). Kabibili ko lang kasi. At naiiyak ako kapag naaalala ko yung lipstick ko. Pati Burt's Bees na lip balm. Kainis! Ang mahal pa naman nun! (Manong, 'wag mong sabihing nagli-lipstick ka rin!) Masyado naman kung hihingi ako ng cell di ba? Ke God ko na lang hihingin 'yun. Advanced birthday gift, Christmas gift? Bahala na kayo. Basta isa na yun sa wishlist ko.

Ngayon, maaga kaming uuwi. Sa office, 4 lang kaming merong susi. Yung 2 naka-leave. Yung 1 naman hanggang 5 lang siya, kasi 8 pasok niya. Tapos ako, nandun natangay ni Manong. Kaya maaga kaming uuwi. Isa pa, I need time to nurse my broken pocket. Buti na lang pumayag si Loida! Thank you talaga!

In conclusion: mag-ingat kayong lahat! Sa tindi ng pangangailangan ng mga tao ngayon, magugulat talaga kayo sa kayang gawin ng tao, maibsan lang ang hirap. O siya, drama special na ito!

What now, Lord?

Let your guard down for but a moment and your world will fall apart right before your very eyes. This I learned from a friend very recently. Despite the precautions undertaken, she let it slip this one time. One time! And forever will she regret it.

I almost banged her head on the wall, screamed at her and gave her a piece of my mind. But there's no use rubbing salt in her wound. Instead, I listened. Besides, I just preached 'listen before you speak.' That was a very timely application.

As she poured her heart, mine grieved. What now, Lord? I looked at the shattered, pain-stricken girl before me and I cried. I know there is still hope but she can't see it. Not this time. Her situation seems to have consumed the hope that is in her.

If only there is such a thing as "ERASE" or "DELETE" option in our life, then we would be spared from so much pain. If only we have some fairy dust, all we need is one happy thought, and off we'll go to Neverland, away from all the pain. If only we can escape reality. If only...

'Anong gagawin ko?!' Hers was a desperate cry. Honestly, I didn't know what to do either. So I told her to ask one person I know can help her. JESUS.

She told me she didn't want to. Shame, guilt? It's but natural for man to flee God because of these. God's reaction? Look for us even more and call us out from our hiding. We expect spanking, even beating, yet He offers the opposite. When we so deserve these, a gentle hand reaches out and extends His love to us all. Moreso, Jesus took our place and our punishment so we can be forgiven.

I haven't fully grasped the depth of God's love for me. But that much I know: God loves me! And that is what I hope she will realize. God's love for us all is unconditional. Though we sin and choose to go away, His love remains. 'But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.'

Until that time comes when she accepts what God is offering her, I leave her into the hands of God, where she will be most safe and secure, and let God do the work in her. And for the rest who have not fallen...FLEE SIN!

A story to tell

I cleaned my room last Saturday. It was long overdue that's why it took me the whole afternoon and early evening to finish it. Though the room wasn't that dirty, going through my stuff took a lot of my time. I went through old photos, letters, books, notebooks, etc. It was fun!

Then I chanced upon my old notebook. A precious one, as I wrote my short stories there. I read them one by one, kaya lalo akong ginabi, hehe!

I used to write short stories back in high school. One story I wrote got published in the school paper. It took one long page - that long, yet it was published! It was about rape, injustice, etc., very hot issue back then. And all my teachers praised my work. So it got me to write more often. Not in so much as to get published but to pen all the stories stored in my mind.

I used to think my life was boring. I was a good girl, not into drugs or alcohol, had the perfect bunch of friends, did well in school, etc. No excitement at all. So I would escape into my finely woven fantasy land.

I've created a lot of characters in my mind, each playing different roles, each has a story to tell. I've thought of them all. Good, bad, protagonist, antagonist, young, old, rich, poor, etc. I've seen the world through their eyes, felt what they feel, saw what they see, heard what they hear, etc. They became real to me. I figured I might forget them one day so I painstakingly wrote their stories in that notebook.

In college I stopped writing, primarily because I was swamped with school work. I didn't want to lose my scholarship so I focused on my studies. Yet in my quiet moments, they keep me company. Sometimes, I would allow myself to be drifted back into that fantasy land I've created so long ago to escape my reality. But I know it won't last forever.

Gradually, that fantasy land vanished. Maybe because I've outgrown such childish dreams/thoughts. Or perhaps, I became more interested in real people and their stories. Or, I've finally learned to deal with reality. Whatever the reason was, that land was just a distant memory. Until last Saturday.

The resurrection of the notebook inspired me to write again. This time around, I know it isn't about escaping to another person's life anymore but a yearning to tell a story. Perhaps my story.

I bid my brother goodbye, kissed him and left the airport. It's still early but I didn't want to go home, though I'm sleepy and tired. Baka mamayang gabi na ako magising! I asked my cousin to drop me off at Katipunan.

I've found great use of my time: a date with GOD! I headed for the Sunken Garden at UPD. On my way there, I saw a lot of people jogging/running. I don't know what the event was but there are lots of people on the street, young and old, all drenched with sweat. It was too noisy at the Sunken Garden so I headed for the Lagoon.

After walking around for quite a time, I found the perfect place just a few meters from the Lagoon. I laid my newspaper, removed my sandals, sat on the ground and breathed deeply. My spot was perfectly shaded by tall trees. Birds chirped loudly as if welcoming me to their haven. As I looked up, I could see cloudless skies. A glimpse of heaven! I closed my eyes and savored every moment. I surely miss such times as this!

When I opened my eyes, the warmth of the sun greeted my face. Oh no! Ayoko ng mainit! I scrambled for my things when suddenly a gentle breeze comforted me. Oh, okay, I'm staying. (",)

And so I settled, took my Bible and started reading Ecclesiastes, my reading for the day.
'There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven' ...'So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?'

Is this you speaking, Lord? Does this mean...strike one?

'He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.'

Hmmmm....strike two.

'Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. Enjoy life with your wife (or husband to be as I'm not yet married), whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun - all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.’

Okay, strike three. I got it.

I closed my Bible and reflected on God’s Word. My mind knows what to do but my heart is not willing to obey. Stubborn me! I opened my Bible again. Perhaps I’m hearing wrongly.

‘Banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body.’

I blinked. This couldn’t be you Lord, could it? I read on…

‘Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.’

That’s it! No more arguing, no more buts, no more what ifs. Yield Riz!!! My mind yelled but my heart is still unwilling to yield. Why do I find it hard to let go? Why not, God?

I laid on my back and gazed at the serenity around me. It brought peace to my heart, if only momentarily. A bird caught my attention and I heard God whisper: ‘see that bird? I take care of it. How much more would I take care of you? Leave it up to me, my child.’ I almost cried.

The alarm on my phone went off. I have to leave God. Thank you for this time. I packed my stuff, put on my sandals and headed to FC for the morning service. On my way, I passed by a canal (whatever that is!) and the water caught my attention. Aba! Humihirit!

I remembered what Sky shared before. In a river, you never step on the same water because it constantly flows. Something like that. I forgot where he related that to.

I noticed the water followed a certain path towards the lagoon. If there is a big rock, it turned. If there is a pile of garbage, it turned. But I also noticed that it flowed through the hindrance (rock or dried leaves). And when it did so, that hindrance, in this case the rock, becomes smoother. Changed by the water? Maybe. So God, what does this have to do with me?

‘I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws. I hold fast to your statutes, O Lord; do not let me be put to shame. I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free. Teach me, O Lord, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding, and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight.’

Sigh. I surrender.

Will I have the courage to step out in faith? It has been bothering me for days, nay for weeks!, yet I delay seeking God about it. Sigh. My mind wants to obey but my heart wrestles with it. I’m not at peace. I wage war against myself!

I know where it’s leading, yet I tremble in fear. Perhaps it’s me wanting to resurrect myself or it’s really that – fear. Fear of the unknown? Fear of what God has to say about it? Sigh.

Hard-headed me…The answer to my questions is already there, staring at me, yet I refuse to look. I may not like what I would see. Or I’m not prepared for what it would require of me.

So, what now? Delayed obedience is still disobedience. Sigh.

I watched my now favorite movie The Kingdom of Heaven last Wednesday. Nagkayayaan after the cell at Gateway Mall. Kaya kahit na inuubo, sige!

*** The oath: 'Be without fear in the face of your enemies. Be brave and upright that God may love thee. Speak the truth, always, even if it leads to your death. Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong.' This is my mantra. JOKE!! But I like this a lot. Perhaps I'll make it mine. hmmmm....

Be without fear in the face of your enemies - like David when he faced Goliath. 'It is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord's, and he will give all of you into our hands.' Such boldness! And God did not fail him. So can I stand fearlessly before my enemies for I know my Lord is with me and the battle is His.

Be brave and upright that God may love thee - I have a little problem with this because I know that God loves me unconditionally. Even if I still do wrong, He loves me. Just as it is. Period.

Speak the truth, always, even if it leads to your death. Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong - Absolutely! Need I say more?

***'If the Lord has a purpose for you there, he will keep you safe. If not, then God bless you.' - what a way to send off somebody! But I believe in it myself. That if God still has a purpose, nothing will keep you from fulfilling it. So why worry? And yet, I say - God bless you!!!

***'What will you do everyday to be a good man? What God desires is in your mind and heart.' - Amen. What I do outwardly is nothing compared to what I do inwardly. What is hidden will be made known. God knows what's in our heart and mind anyway so why bother keeping/hiding it from Him. Come out, come out, wherever you are! And face it!

***'A NEW world. A better world that has never been seen. There, you are not what you are born but what you have it in yourself to be. A kingdom of conscience. Peace instead of war. Love instead of hate. That is what lies at the end of the crusade.' - Don't we all long for this? But I think we'll only have it when Jesus comes, hehehe!!!

***'I go to pray for the strength to endure what is to come.' - Yes, we all should pray this prayer. More is to come and what would make us stand firm is our faith in God.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

***'Convert to Islam! Repent later.' - I laughed at this really hard! But I hope this is not true of us Christians. That whenever we are faced with persecution, we will stand firm and not give in to enemies.

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love.

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

That's all for now for Kingdom of Heaven. If you haven't seen the movie, wanna watch it with me? hihihi! And I leave you with:

'Be without fear in the face of your enemies. Be brave and upright that God may love thee. Speak the truth, always, even if it leads to your death. Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong.'